When a tree within the heart begins to wither, it's hard to see where the leaves are landing/ It's not hard to spot out the blotted out spaces you wouldn't want me to see/ I can't remember the last time I felt you breathe for me/ For when I have done nothing, you seem to only recall my selfish and eradicated deeds/ But now we're in the thick of it all and these trees are getting thinner and thinner, much like the ice you stand on/ And it seems without nourishment these walls could come crashing down instantaneously My mind begins to turn and haven't you heard that the turning of a mind and the changing of times is a bad thing?/ Well let me enlighten you a bit here, you see when I was bit here, right here on my left forearm, something changed within me that day/ Something new, something unique, something different and strange that made me all, but too comfortable in my own skin/ I liked who I was, I liked who I was becoming and then out of nowhere I hit the ground running/ Running away from you while you were running away from me and I was avoiding you because I was running away from time and it was only mine to lose/ I see these kids. . . they give up on their passions and on their dreams and they started living the life that you wanted for them and for what?/ So that you can say, "Wow, now that's an outstanding young person fighting and striving in their community."/ You see all these kids they come to me. . . not understanding why the world just wont accept them for who they feel like they're supposed to be and I say, "Son, I couldn't tell you the first reason why you wouldn't be tolerated by your mother and father."/ They're telling me, "My mom kicked me out when I was just 15./ I got a job and quit school and made myself known as quite the opposite of pristine, I/ Popped pills and I drank my sorrows away, I hurt the people I once loved/ I cheated on my wife because I didn't know how to fix my broken marriage/ I started making excuses for why I was coming home late and I used food to beat the hard times, believe me I cleaned the whole damn plate/ I let people tell me who I was going to be and that it wasn't good enough for me to just be me." and I'm here to tell you that that was the biggest mistake you've ever made./ Nearly none of these things I am describing have happened to me and luckily I have only been marked by a few things that make my soul unclean/ But I'm sure they're happening to you, and to you, and to you, times 3/ Forget about what they say, disregard whatever they think, don't forget who you are just because they say you aren't/ And if I erased your mind completely could you take only one thing from me?/ My words. These words are all that's left of my trees/ My forest has been desecrated and my foliage is no longer green/ My lush leaves have turned and there's no turning them back, for what was once a sea of living creatures is now a pitch of black/ My leaves have landed and it's hard to see where, but my words will live on forever winded in the air/ Keep your story flowing, don't let your leaves cease growing, don't let death be the end of who you're meant to be/ Make your mark on this world and leave an imprint on history, for regardless of what you have been told. . . You are lovely/ For the maker of all living things knows your heart insurmountably better than any human beings/ He knows the numbers of hairs on your head and his count is more accurate than the most powerful accurate microscopes/ Through his eyes. . . Through his eyes you are not the innocent little sapling that the world makes you out to be, but a mighty redwood that they can no longer ignore seeing. So go and make yourselves known amongst the trees.

Lately I've been walking through alleyways that lead to courtyards of my past, and are filled with states of mind... depression is one of them; you could say she's an old friend of mine. And the way she lingers is unlike anything else I've ever encountered. It's not an unfair thing for me to claim that the dampening of my being is entirely her doing, but I won't make such a statement. Instead I will fall into the trance that has ever overcome me and become the me I hate seeing me being. Excavating these circuitries within my head is like reaching for a mentality that can never be watched or read. My reasoning for the abrupt treason is not something that is built up in corruption, but rather the stab in the back I felt when I was in your spaces. It seemed like our minds could rest easy and be in harmony and for a while there it seemed like there was a definite sense of ardency, but you see for a while now it seems like there is an ever growing part of me that's screaming out "I can hardly breathe!" And don't you know, you need breath to keep on living... So I've kept on living, eager to find the passion that used to keep me going and used to keep my blood flowing down a forever constant stream, instead of me drowning in the current of the dreams I've never dreamed. Warmth is the thing I seek most in this world and for most of my existence I've been feeling intensely cold, cut off by the hatred that is cascading through your teeth. And, if I may, let me regurgitate a few of the things you have said to me: "You aren't smart enough." "You aren't strong enough." "You would never make a good father. If yours didn't have the time to deal with you, what makes you think you will even bother?" "And most importantly you are the ugliest human being I have ever seen. Both inside and out, you have no meaning." Now as I said before, you could call depression an old friend of mine, but she was never really all too friendly. She has a problem with being a habitual liar and it doesn't seem like this trend is ending. You see it's really just me. I'm the one who let's depression do her work in me. Sure the world and all of the blackness feeds into her lies, but it's my own thoughts and my own words that turn her clock clockwise. It's not a surprise to me that the implications of my own actions and deeds go unnoticed by those who are just like me. Because in the places I've been and the broken homes I've seen everyone feels like no one could imagine what they're going through, so they wallow alone in their misery. But I've been where you've been and even seen what you've seen and now we sit separately wallowing in each other's misery. And it's because of you my old friend, standing right beside me and blossoming as I decay into the ground you have dug down into so affectionately. To this day, my roots and yours are intertwined as if from the beginning you had been spun out of not just me, but all of mankind. It seems as if you are bound by nature to work in a cycle and I'm catching on to where you're going next. I am realizing as I am decaying that there is no logic to this nonsense. And I know I have worth... and although it may be undefined it gives me great peace of mind to know that all of the times that you were so unkind were just a big compilation of filth and lies. Depression, my sweet companion, I will no longer give in to you and all you're demanding. You see I'm confident in my friends and family to build me up, and keep me strong, in a way that passes all of your understanding. And my reason is simple: you can only thrive in the darkness and I'm no longer afraid to be in the light. I am no longer afraid of your bark or your bite. And from this moment on, I bid thee a good night. And as I walk through these alleyways that lead to courtyards of my past, and are filled with states of mind... I see depression all alone, waiting for the next good girl or boy to come along, and sink down within the twilight.

I have had a tendency and a desire to help all the living things around me But once they are out of sight, they are out of my mind and I couldn't care less if they were put out of their misery. And just as the rats are the lowest of the low and walk amongst the filth of the earth there are those who are living at the highest of highs and it's been that way since their father's father's birth. But the rats always go for the poison WHY WOULD THEY ALWAYS GO FOR THE POISON? And what about their father's father? He probably died the same way trying to reach the top only to be knocked down completely by something that seemed to be helping him along the way. But what if our father's father taught him how to be a better man? Maybe then he could've shared some of his secrets with me too. Maybe then I would've been stronger and I wouldn't have given in to such worldly temptations, but as the grass grows longer I have something that I can sink down under and hide myself in. The trials in my life seem to be constantly overflowing. . . Like I'm the sea shore and these waves just keep crashing into me, bringing ocean debris, and all the trash that flows within the world begins to flow within me. My mom always had to remind me to bring the garbage out on Tuesday night, but now my garbage is out for everyone to see every single night of the week! There is no escaping this deep dark soliloquy because the only one who can truly hear me, is me. And I've stopped listening. . . I've stopped caring about what all this debris is doing to me physically and spiritually. I've stopped sharing my burdens among my brothers and sisters who have supposedly been there supporting me along my journey. Well let me ask you something,"WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS EATING POISON?" You sat along side of me or even better you sat in the back seat and all you kept whispering was,"Are we there yet?" as if the untimeliness of my death didn't seem to be so untimely. I've got scars up and down my sleeve and it's not because I had been participating in self harm, no, it's because you have been itching at me for the last 12 weeks to say sorry for a sin I didn't commit. You think that somehow magically once I apologize for this dark deed that used to plague thee unreasonably that somehow it will wipe your memory clean. But darling, oh darling, there will never be a way for you to move passed the things you said to me. For when I was in the deepest and darkest of shadows, who was there to comfort me other than the demons who dragged me there in the first place? "Well it is certainly too obscene in that ditch for me to try to get my hands dirty. If he is truly repentant, God will lift this mans burdens and set him free." But what if God's plan, the only hope for me . . . Was you. It was you all along who was meant to come down to me and meet me in those dirty places, it was you who was supposed to wash me clean because God sent you there to help wipe my memory. But instead I lie down and sleep with the scum between my teeth and you just hurriedly walk by making sure to drop the poison along the way so I would have something to eat. And just as the rats are the lowest of the low and walk amongst the filth of the earth there are those who are living at the highest of highs and it's been that way since their father's father's birth. But the rats always go for the poison And now I know why.

For years this life has plagued me. Nearly 8 billion people crawl on this surface and my mind can't comprehend why someone hasn't come up with a cure for everything yet. My thoughts are the only excuses to stay in bed and it hasn't been easy to keep myself from craving those substances, but I've been holding out better than I thought I could have. It's been 4 years, 9 months, and 26 days since I last touched the foul beast and if there is anything I have learned in that time, it's who I am and who I wish I would've been. I wish I would've had someone to lead me and guide me on the road to righteous doings, but instead I had the devil resting on my shoulder and whispering sweet nothings to me nightly. I wish I would've had the courage to stand up to my father at a young age and tell him what I really think, but instead I sat back quietly and watched as he took what he wanted and did as he pleased. I wish that someone would have told me that life isn't easy and there would be a lot of struggling because now that it's almost over there is no need to stop the bleeding, not for me anyway. But you... You need to hear these words and listen to them carefully: Please, don't do this. Don't hold onto these feelings and just put your past behind. Start living today, right now, and be the first one in line to say: I'm sorry. I forgive you for what you've done. Can you forgive me for my sins to you and can we please just move on? Because this life isn't worth it when you're alone and God how I wish I wasn't alone. Don't make the mistakes I did, learn from them. And bring forth the future generations with nothing but love. It's up to you now. Make this world a sight to behold and ensure the worth in a life. I wish someone would've told me that from a young age.

Bright lights shining brightly land lightly upon me caressing my skin and running it's fingers through my hair. I'm comforted in knowing that the comforted are those who have been dead for years and they don't have to worry about this place that we call home. Because one day soon I will join them and I can forget about all my hardships that I had to endure on this planet Earth. They don't have any trials, and they don't have to worry about feeding their children because when your dead and gone they will grow a garden with the ashes you've left behind and feed themselves for years to come. The Lord in His goodness has blessed me with life and not to say I am ungrateful, but it's hard to be grateful at times when the world that he has given you keeps falling apart. It's always seemed like my effort was there and it always seemed like I was giving it all I had and I have always seemed to come up short and I have just become tired, just a tad. I've become a vagabond searching for a course of action that will lead me back into your arms, because in your embrace I feel weightless and I know you can carry me home. All I've ever wanted to do was feel at home and finally with you I will never be alone. I won't have to defend my actions and I won't have to participate in self destruction; I won't have to lose myself in pornography and I won't care to be involved in the post production. I won't live in a world where those around me don't help those around me, because the rats won't eat the poison when they have a marvelous feast abounding. The roots in my gardens are mutating into trees and it's always been you. In your arms I am free. . . Because you have always been there through it all, continuously holding out your hand just waiting for mine. I'm ready to be taken into the heavens and although I will miss my family I pray that they will understand the weight that's being lifted and they can still say they are proud of me. My children are older now and they've seen my good times and my bad times throughout their lives. They have precious memories of me to hold on to to cherish and compartmentalize. And to my loving wife, my sweet angel, my queen . . . Don't let my absence take away from your life and leave no corner nor crevice unseen. Bring forth your ambitions and don't let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough, because believe me when I say that you have been everything I could have ever wanted in a loving human being. Now finally I have some words for the me I leave behind: quit telling yourself you weren't adequate and quit putting yourself in the back of the line. The journeys that you've been on have lead you through some dark paths and even though you seem distant at times, you've grown to be a very bright young man. But most of all your adventures have lead you to oceans that have seemed to be collapsing in on you and bringing ocean debris and at times you thought you would drown, but now I can proudly say that you are a proficient at surviving and there's nothing in this world that can bring you down. Your skin has become thicker than the Earth's crust and you promised you would never hear this but you must: You are good enough. You are worthy of a life. Don't let people tell you different and don't you dare make me say it twice: You are better than good. You're exactly who you were meant to be. Now go live your life to the fullest and don't turn around to take a look back. I promise one day you'll see someone standing on the mountain tops, waving goodbye, thinking that they have surpassed you in all ways in their life, but really they're just up there for the wrong reasons and the avalanche is coming. And while you stay grounded you'll feel light as air because you have cast your burdens on the one who cares. Pass the mountains you see the sky and the sun is making it's debut in the morning time. And I'm telling you this because there's no reason for you to dwell in the past when your future is so bright. But as bright lights shining brightly land lightly upon me caressing my skin and running it's fingers through my hair, I know that it's time to go home, and I'm at peace. For I am no longer scared.